Longhaulpaul's Chasing the Cure

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I honestly thought Siri read  the email as, “Hooters Insanity 1000.”

Simple mistake. Big problem.

I first received an invite to a gathering of motorcycle long distance riders, called a RTE, or ride to eat.

Sponsored by the Iron Butt Association, it was called the MEAT LOVERS RTE.  The email boasted a famous Chicago entrée of “an obscene five pounds of ground sausage, pork and beef mixed with spices and wrapped in a weave of brown sugar bacon, slow cooked on a pig roaster.”  The rest of the menu was carnivorous as well.

 

 

 

 

 

My keyboard short-circuited from the au jus drool, and I was using my ipad. Never ever, read emails when you are hungry.

The event also had a special Iron Butt certification for anyone who documented riding more than 1000 miles in under 24 hours to the event. Hmm, a quick check on Microsoft Streets and Trips found Chicago was 1040 miles from my house.

It was like the bacon was taunting me.

I checked my schedule.  I could leave after work Friday May 2, and ride through the night arriving in plenty of time for the 6:oo pm dinner in Chicago on Saturday. Another 1000 mile push on Sunday and make it home in time for work Monday morning. It would be tough, but I figured I could make it.  I sent my registration in, and started to look forward to the event.

 

Unfortunately, the first email was just a hook, a cruel bait and switch tactic used only by rogue CIA operatives, used car salesman and Rally Bastards like Evil Lord Kneebone, the grandmaster of all that is motorcycle endurance riding. Mike is the President of the Iron Butt Association, the world wide organization dedicated to safe, long distance motorcycle riding.

A day after registering for the Meat Lovers 1000, I saw Mike’s real challenge.

International Scooter 1000 Insanity

 

 

Coincidentally, by no rhyme or reason,  a second slightly frightful challenge just happened to take place over the same weekend; called the International Scooter 1000 Insanity. The rules were quite loudly simple.

Called Scooter Insanity, because most riders wouldn’t attempt a 1000 mile day on a motorcycle, never mind doing it on a scooter. Well, the title of the challenge is justified. And may I remind you, I know a guy who rode a Russian Ural in the 11 day 11,000 mile Iron Butt Rally.  Scooters are fun to zip up and down the beach roads and on side walks and across college campuses, but they are not suited for long highway jaunts for 18 hours at a stretch. They don’t even have a clutch for God’s sakes!

If I ride a scooter in the woods and nobody sees me, am I still a man?

 

 

 

Ok, I have some friends that ride scooters. I admit it. I rode a scooter once, and it was, well, it was FUN!

But riding a scooter for 1000 miles in under 24 hours is just plain DUMB.

 

Then I saw the second challenge and soon realized it was just the opportunity I needed to make a complete fool of myself while raising money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. As I developed the plan, it got a tad out of hand, but extreme rides do call for extreme measures. I learned not only will I ride for food, I will ride for a reason. Lets find a cure for MS.

 

Now this is double insanity.   Insanity GOLD they call it. Ride  1000 miles in under 24 hours on a machine with a 300cc or less motor.  A 300cc  scooter by the way, is a bicycle with a frigging 9 volt battery strapped under the seat. These things have 1.5 gallon gas tanks and 12 inch wheels.  Attempting to ride 1000 miles in under 24 hours on one of these toys from Power Wheels is, well, just plain DUMBER.

Is is worth risking life and limb, not to mention being seen on a scooter – to eat ground up umbrella handles stuffed into goat intestines and then wrapped in layers of maple flavored congestive heart failure?  Why YES, I think it is!

 

Here’s the DEAL. I am leaving my fate up to you, my so called friends and supporters. I need you to vote, and vote by donating to the Scooter 1000 Insanity, all of which goes directly to support research that may someday fix the holes in my brain caused by Multiple Sclerosis.

I am riding to the Meat Lovers 1000 on my trusty Yamaha 1200 cc Super Tenere.

If donations reach $500 before April 15th, I will ride there on a scooter like this.

If donations reach $750 before April 15th, I will ride a scooter 500cc or less like this.

If donations reach $1000 before April 15th, I will ride a scooter 400cc or less like this.

If donations reach $1500 before April 15th, I will ride a scooter 300cc or less like this.

If donations reach $2000 before April 15th, I will not only ride a 300cc scooter,

I will ride to the Meat Lovers 1000 in a powder blue tuxedo, as seen in DUMB and DUMBER.

 

“Just when I thought you couldn’t do anything stupider you go and do this……….

and totally redeem yourself.”

 

Please do not let me make a fool out of myself for less than $2000.  Your donation is tax deductible and will help fund research and programs for people who are living every day with debilitating symptoms from Multiple Sclerosis.

Donors will also have access to live tracking and video feed along the way of this extreme challenge.

I thank you in advance for your contribution making me ride a scooter to Chicago  in a powder blue suit.

 

 

Longhaulpaul

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